1
00:00:03,001 --> 00:00:05,002
[♪]
2
00:01:15,308 --> 00:01:17,542
Is it really
gonna happen today, daddy?
3
00:01:17,543 --> 00:01:19,611
Are we really gonna eat?
4
00:01:21,114 --> 00:01:22,680
That we are, kids.
5
00:01:22,681 --> 00:01:24,416
And this time
it's no pipe dream.
6
00:01:24,417 --> 00:01:26,218
I gave your mother
some money,
7
00:01:26,219 --> 00:01:28,019
Towed her car
to the supermarket,
8
00:01:28,020 --> 00:01:31,289
Tied her hands--
tied her hands to the cart,
9
00:01:31,290 --> 00:01:32,557
Put my foot on her rear,
10
00:01:32,558 --> 00:01:36,394
And jump-started her
towards the meat department.
11
00:01:36,395 --> 00:01:38,563
So get ready, kids,
'cause soon our mouths
12
00:01:38,564 --> 00:01:41,899
Will be alive with dead animals
from every race and religion.
13
00:01:41,900 --> 00:01:44,136
Good.
Mm.
14
00:01:44,137 --> 00:01:46,338
You make it sound
so good, dad.
[chuckles]
15
00:01:46,339 --> 00:01:47,805
Tell us again
what supper was like
16
00:01:47,806 --> 00:01:49,374
When you were a boy.
Yeah.
17
00:01:49,375 --> 00:01:50,975
Well...
18
00:01:50,976 --> 00:01:52,877
You young'uns never get tired
of hearing it.
19
00:01:52,878 --> 00:01:53,878
No, no.
No.
20
00:01:53,879 --> 00:01:54,946
All right.
21
00:01:54,947 --> 00:01:57,248
Well, back in the old days,
22
00:01:57,249 --> 00:01:59,250
Whenever the sun would go down,
23
00:01:59,251 --> 00:02:01,352
We'd all gather at a table,
much like this one.
24
00:02:01,353 --> 00:02:03,021
[whispers]
wow.
25
00:02:03,022 --> 00:02:05,990
Matter of fact,
it was this one.
26
00:02:05,991 --> 00:02:07,591
And there before us,
27
00:02:07,592 --> 00:02:09,994
Stretched as far
as the eye could see,
28
00:02:09,995 --> 00:02:12,297
Was meat.
Mm.
29
00:02:12,298 --> 00:02:15,066
Oh, do I remember the meat.
30
00:02:15,067 --> 00:02:16,468
I was only 5 years old,
31
00:02:16,469 --> 00:02:18,202
But I remember
my dad telling me,
32
00:02:18,203 --> 00:02:21,640
"save your table scraps
for mommy."
33
00:02:21,641 --> 00:02:24,276
Of course we never did.
34
00:02:24,277 --> 00:02:28,012
[tearfully]
oh, look, dad,
your little boy's eating again.
35
00:02:29,882 --> 00:02:31,783
Daddy, who made you
this meat?
36
00:02:31,784 --> 00:02:33,685
Well, back then,
we called her mother.
37
00:02:35,254 --> 00:02:37,455
See, kids, "mother" meant
"home cooking" then.
38
00:02:37,456 --> 00:02:39,357
'course back then,
"gay" meant "happy."
39
00:02:39,358 --> 00:02:41,192
Well...
40
00:02:43,061 --> 00:02:44,829
Dad, were there
any vegetables?
41
00:02:44,830 --> 00:02:47,699
Yeah, but we pushed them
off to the side.
42
00:02:47,700 --> 00:02:49,701
Save room for the biscuits
and the butter.
43
00:02:49,702 --> 00:02:53,504
And not that hard butter either
that cruelly rips the bread.
44
00:02:53,505 --> 00:02:56,608
But soft butter
that spreads smooth
45
00:02:56,609 --> 00:02:59,244
Like your grandma's butt
on a barstool.
46
00:03:01,580 --> 00:03:02,647
Mm, mm, mm.
47
00:03:02,648 --> 00:03:05,216
[peg humming]
48
00:03:05,217 --> 00:03:07,017
[lock clicks]
49
00:03:07,953 --> 00:03:10,321
[humming]
50
00:03:18,964 --> 00:03:20,865
Ooh.
51
00:03:38,016 --> 00:03:40,217
Where's our meat,
woman?
52
00:03:42,087 --> 00:03:44,856
Al, did you get these kids
into a frenzy again
53
00:03:44,857 --> 00:03:47,025
Over this eating thing?
54
00:03:47,026 --> 00:03:48,660
You know,
you just won't be happy
55
00:03:48,661 --> 00:03:51,428
Till I'm as afraid to come home
as you are, will ya?
56
00:03:53,966 --> 00:03:56,734
Well, this is a fine
how-do-you-doody.
57
00:03:59,071 --> 00:04:01,539
You with your fairy stories
about meat,
58
00:04:01,540 --> 00:04:03,708
And you,
who goes to the market
59
00:04:03,709 --> 00:04:05,209
And brings home what?
60
00:04:05,210 --> 00:04:06,611
Something with letters
61
00:04:06,612 --> 00:04:09,013
That aren't even
in alphabetical order.
62
00:04:10,749 --> 00:04:12,450
Which, I suspect,
are of use
63
00:04:12,451 --> 00:04:15,853
For only those
who can read.
64
00:04:15,854 --> 00:04:17,988
Now, we were promised food.
And what do we get?
65
00:04:17,989 --> 00:04:19,824
Just another meatless Monday.
66
00:04:19,825 --> 00:04:22,326
This is no fun day.
67
00:04:23,962 --> 00:04:25,496
It-- it's the meat d.T.'s.
68
00:04:25,497 --> 00:04:26,531
Bud,
69
00:04:26,532 --> 00:04:28,065
Take your sister
for a walk.
70
00:04:28,066 --> 00:04:29,400
And don't tie her
to a hydrant
71
00:04:29,401 --> 00:04:31,869
And go for a soda
like last time.
72
00:04:31,870 --> 00:04:35,440
Just 'cause she can't think
doesn't mean she can't feel.
73
00:04:35,441 --> 00:04:39,243
Honey, it'd be good for you
to be seen with a pretty girl.
74
00:04:39,244 --> 00:04:40,611
Yeah, right.
75
00:04:40,612 --> 00:04:42,914
They'll just think I paid
for her like everybody else.
76
00:04:50,289 --> 00:04:52,791
Look.
Buck has a bone.
77
00:04:52,792 --> 00:04:54,659
Oh, god,
it's got meat on it!
78
00:04:57,929 --> 00:04:59,097
Pookie.
79
00:04:59,098 --> 00:05:00,565
Yes, honey?
80
00:05:00,566 --> 00:05:03,168
Take all your clothes off
right now.
81
00:05:03,169 --> 00:05:04,969
[chuckling]
oh, baby.
82
00:05:04,970 --> 00:05:07,004
You finally
wanna do it.
83
00:05:07,005 --> 00:05:10,341
No, but I need something
to kill my appetite.
84
00:05:11,877 --> 00:05:15,513
Peg, what did you spend
the $20 on I gave you for food?
85
00:05:15,514 --> 00:05:18,516
Well, I ate,
of course.
86
00:05:18,517 --> 00:05:21,886
And then I bought
this magazine, amazing homes.
87
00:05:21,887 --> 00:05:23,754
Just look
at this house, al.
88
00:05:23,755 --> 00:05:24,989
Why can't we have a house
89
00:05:24,990 --> 00:05:28,593
With a name
like chateau paradise?
90
00:05:28,594 --> 00:05:29,827
[coughing]
well,
91
00:05:29,828 --> 00:05:31,896
Maybe I'm mismanaging
my $3.20 an hour.
92
00:05:31,897 --> 00:05:33,831
Let's see.
93
00:05:35,667 --> 00:05:38,035
Well, I'm sure
that the shoe salesman
94
00:05:38,036 --> 00:05:39,904
That owns
this house is, uh--
95
00:05:39,905 --> 00:05:40,905
Well, wait a minute.
96
00:05:40,906 --> 00:05:43,174
No, it's not
a shoe salesman.
97
00:05:43,175 --> 00:05:46,677
That's bob "I'm a zillionaire"
hope's house.
98
00:05:46,678 --> 00:05:49,180
Oh, wait. Maybe this really
big house is a shoe salesman's.
99
00:05:49,181 --> 00:05:51,983
No, dagnabit.
This is a drug lord.
100
00:05:53,885 --> 00:05:57,489
Gee, I-- I feel so worthless.
You deserve so much more.
101
00:05:57,490 --> 00:05:59,890
I mean, your rear end
should be squashing a couch
102
00:05:59,891 --> 00:06:01,926
Much bigger than ours.
103
00:06:01,927 --> 00:06:03,027
Oh, honey.
104
00:06:03,028 --> 00:06:05,563
You can be so sweet
when you want to be.
105
00:06:05,564 --> 00:06:06,964
But don't feel bad.
106
00:06:06,965 --> 00:06:09,634
I never expected you
to amount to anything.
107
00:06:09,635 --> 00:06:11,368
You know, the guy
I fell in love with
108
00:06:11,369 --> 00:06:13,137
Was just a crazy,
carefree guy
109
00:06:13,138 --> 00:06:16,340
With an easy smile
and a fast car.
110
00:06:16,341 --> 00:06:19,410
'course, he wouldn't marry me,
so I took you.
111
00:06:19,411 --> 00:06:21,813
But I've never looked back.
112
00:06:21,814 --> 00:06:22,814
Ooh.
113
00:06:22,815 --> 00:06:25,417
Except when we kiss.
114
00:06:25,418 --> 00:06:27,018
Well, don't look back
the next time I ask you
115
00:06:27,019 --> 00:06:28,620
To open the garage door
for me either.
116
00:06:28,621 --> 00:06:30,921
'cause if you do, you might see
the mighty dodge emblem
117
00:06:30,922 --> 00:06:32,290
Bearin' down on ya.
118
00:06:35,427 --> 00:06:38,496
Yeah, like I'd really stand
in front of your car.
119
00:06:38,497 --> 00:06:39,998
I'm telling you,
120
00:06:39,999 --> 00:06:42,466
This magazine says
we can have a lovely home.
121
00:06:42,467 --> 00:06:45,269
And it says that
it doesn't cost very much money.
122
00:06:45,270 --> 00:06:47,839
All it takes
is a decorator's eye,
123
00:06:47,840 --> 00:06:51,475
Which I have,
according to professor lavar.
124
00:06:52,945 --> 00:06:55,513
Professor lavar?
125
00:06:55,514 --> 00:06:57,415
How much, peg?
126
00:06:57,416 --> 00:06:58,949
You're just
gonna love him, al.
127
00:06:58,950 --> 00:07:00,251
He is the professor
128
00:07:00,252 --> 00:07:02,620
At the cook county school
of interior design,
129
00:07:02,621 --> 00:07:05,190
Of which I am now enrolled.
130
00:07:05,191 --> 00:07:06,491
How much, peg?
Ooh.
131
00:07:06,492 --> 00:07:08,225
I feel so good.
132
00:07:08,226 --> 00:07:10,127
Two thousand dollars.
133
00:07:10,128 --> 00:07:12,096
[sighs]
134
00:07:12,097 --> 00:07:13,998
I have finally found
my calling,
135
00:07:13,999 --> 00:07:16,367
And I knew you'd be happy
for me, honey.
136
00:07:17,536 --> 00:07:18,803
Honey?
137
00:07:20,205 --> 00:07:22,573
[muttering]
138
00:07:22,574 --> 00:07:24,074
Oh, al, watch out.
139
00:07:24,075 --> 00:07:25,876
Let me get your tongue.
140
00:07:30,215 --> 00:07:32,049
[grunts]
141
00:07:32,050 --> 00:07:34,585
You spent $2000
on a decorating school?
142
00:07:34,586 --> 00:07:35,919
[giggling]
uh-huh.
143
00:07:37,122 --> 00:07:38,789
Well, it must be my fault.
144
00:07:38,790 --> 00:07:43,060
Sure, I'll take the blame.
I didn't have to say, "I do."
145
00:07:43,061 --> 00:07:44,262
I could've just taken
146
00:07:44,263 --> 00:07:46,264
One of your uncle's
shotgun blasts in the back,
147
00:07:46,265 --> 00:07:48,266
Be done with it.
148
00:07:48,267 --> 00:07:51,702
But then, honey, we couldn't
have had that great reception.
149
00:07:51,703 --> 00:07:53,971
You know, where your father
whispered in my ear,
150
00:07:53,972 --> 00:07:55,973
"if you like my son,
I'm twice as fun."
151
00:07:55,974 --> 00:07:57,275
Ah...
152
00:07:58,978 --> 00:08:01,845
Oh, come on, al. Go with me
on this decorating thing.
153
00:08:01,846 --> 00:08:04,548
I'm really good at it.
You'll see tomorrow.
154
00:08:04,549 --> 00:08:05,816
My homework assignment
155
00:08:05,817 --> 00:08:07,885
Is to make one room
in this house
156
00:08:07,886 --> 00:08:09,086
Breathtakingly beautiful.
157
00:08:09,087 --> 00:08:10,087
Peg,
158
00:08:10,088 --> 00:08:11,989
This is my house.
159
00:08:11,990 --> 00:08:15,058
If you want it
to look better, dust.
160
00:08:18,096 --> 00:08:21,064
If you want it
to smell better, cook.
161
00:08:21,065 --> 00:08:24,802
If you want it
to be happy, leave.
162
00:08:28,139 --> 00:08:30,641
But do not touch
this house.
163
00:08:30,642 --> 00:08:32,976
I am not a man
happy with change.
164
00:08:32,977 --> 00:08:36,614
Well, that explains your job
and your underwear.
165
00:08:38,950 --> 00:08:40,251
Peg, I'm warning you.
166
00:08:40,252 --> 00:08:42,019
Touch not a hair
in this house.
167
00:08:42,020 --> 00:08:45,223
Do not redecorate.
168
00:08:45,224 --> 00:08:47,057
I won't.
169
00:08:47,058 --> 00:08:48,659
A pox on you.
170
00:08:48,660 --> 00:08:50,628
Like I'd notice.
171
00:09:02,674 --> 00:09:04,275
Seems normal.
172
00:09:14,820 --> 00:09:17,388
Yep. Normal.
173
00:09:19,291 --> 00:09:21,191
Let me check upstairs.
174
00:09:25,530 --> 00:09:27,865
Al:
She listened to me!
It's normal!
175
00:09:27,866 --> 00:09:29,033
[al laughing]
176
00:09:33,404 --> 00:09:37,108
Son, I'm glad you're here.
177
00:09:37,109 --> 00:09:40,211
I wanna talk to you
about being a man.
178
00:09:40,212 --> 00:09:41,546
See, son, a man--
179
00:09:41,547 --> 00:09:43,147
I know
what you're getting at.
180
00:09:43,148 --> 00:09:46,751
Do you think I want to be
home early on a Friday night?
181
00:09:46,752 --> 00:09:49,820
You think I'm not trying
desperately to get a date?
182
00:09:49,821 --> 00:09:51,622
Do you think I like
hearing the chants:
183
00:09:51,623 --> 00:09:53,724
"bud, bud, alone he'll sit.
184
00:09:53,725 --> 00:09:55,293
Bud, bud, will touch no--"
185
00:09:55,294 --> 00:09:57,528
I don't wanna talk about you.
186
00:10:00,966 --> 00:10:04,435
I wanna talk about my great
victory over your mother.
187
00:10:04,436 --> 00:10:05,970
Revel with me, son.
188
00:10:05,971 --> 00:10:07,571
She listened to me.
I put my foot down,
189
00:10:07,572 --> 00:10:08,940
And your mother listened
to me.
190
00:10:08,941 --> 00:10:10,008
And you know why?
191
00:10:10,009 --> 00:10:12,510
Because I am the man.
192
00:10:12,511 --> 00:10:15,412
The chief.
The king. The boss.
193
00:10:19,918 --> 00:10:22,954
Bob's big boy with fries.
194
00:10:22,955 --> 00:10:26,190
Extra cheese,
maybe a little bacon.
195
00:10:26,191 --> 00:10:28,760
God, I'm hungry.
196
00:10:28,761 --> 00:10:29,894
But anyway, bud,
197
00:10:29,895 --> 00:10:34,098
Always remember
that the man is the boss
198
00:10:34,099 --> 00:10:36,667
Because the man--
and it's proven the world over.
199
00:10:36,668 --> 00:10:38,736
Any country you go to,
no matter what it is,
200
00:10:38,737 --> 00:10:41,405
There's always
a word for man.
201
00:10:42,841 --> 00:10:46,410
Dad, are you absolutely sure
you're my real father?
202
00:10:47,579 --> 00:10:49,414
[laughing]
yes.
203
00:10:49,415 --> 00:10:51,816
Don't you know I called
for an immediate blood test?
204
00:10:51,817 --> 00:10:53,017
[laughing]
205
00:10:54,820 --> 00:10:58,656
Son, now I'm going
to go celebrate my victory
206
00:10:58,657 --> 00:11:01,859
The way a man
celebrates his victory.
207
00:11:02,894 --> 00:11:04,228
[grunts]
208
00:11:04,229 --> 00:11:06,430
[humming]
209
00:11:32,724 --> 00:11:35,392
How long was I out?
210
00:11:35,393 --> 00:11:38,162
A good 45 minutes.
211
00:11:38,163 --> 00:11:39,964
Why didn't you come get me?
212
00:11:39,965 --> 00:11:43,167
Dad, you're always
in there for 45 minutes.
213
00:11:43,168 --> 00:11:45,737
You did 45 minutes
in the bushes one time.
214
00:11:45,738 --> 00:11:49,473
That was the jenkins' yard.
That was a good spot.
215
00:11:49,474 --> 00:11:52,143
Well, their roses won prizes
that year.
216
00:12:00,018 --> 00:12:02,019
Oh, hi, honey.
Hi, bud.
217
00:12:02,020 --> 00:12:03,154
Hey, where's kelly?
218
00:12:03,155 --> 00:12:04,421
You know,
we haven't seen her
219
00:12:04,422 --> 00:12:05,689
Since you took her
for a walk.
220
00:12:09,127 --> 00:12:10,561
So I forgot.
221
00:12:12,330 --> 00:12:13,931
Well, don't worry.
222
00:12:13,932 --> 00:12:15,633
I mean, how much trouble
can she get into
223
00:12:15,634 --> 00:12:17,201
Double-knotted
to a telephone pole
224
00:12:17,202 --> 00:12:19,837
In front
of the pussycat theater?
225
00:12:22,207 --> 00:12:23,674
Okay, al.
226
00:12:23,675 --> 00:12:25,443
Now, I know you seen
the bathroom.
227
00:12:25,444 --> 00:12:26,677
What do you think?
228
00:12:26,678 --> 00:12:28,079
Well, peg,
229
00:12:28,080 --> 00:12:31,048
It's just like your hair
got larger and became a room.
230
00:12:32,617 --> 00:12:33,951
So you like it?
231
00:12:33,952 --> 00:12:36,920
Peg, you took
my once-mighty ferguson,
232
00:12:36,921 --> 00:12:40,458
And you put a little,
pink fuzzy thing on it.
233
00:12:40,459 --> 00:12:43,594
It cried out to me
in its pain, peg.
234
00:12:43,595 --> 00:12:46,129
It's a toilet, al.
It can't talk.
235
00:12:46,130 --> 00:12:49,132
Well, I've known it long enough
to know what it's thinking.
236
00:12:49,133 --> 00:12:51,969
Now, you've desecrated
the toilet I call home.
237
00:12:51,970 --> 00:12:53,570
Oh, al.
238
00:12:53,571 --> 00:12:55,539
There is plenty of you
left in that bathroom.
239
00:12:55,540 --> 00:12:56,674
Where's my shaving cream?
240
00:12:56,675 --> 00:12:58,609
In the right cup
of the bra rack.
241
00:12:58,610 --> 00:12:59,743
Where's my razor?
242
00:12:59,744 --> 00:13:02,146
In the tampon carousel.
243
00:13:04,883 --> 00:13:06,517
Where's my deodorant?
244
00:13:06,518 --> 00:13:09,687
That is a trick question.
You don't use any.
245
00:13:10,989 --> 00:13:12,723
You promised, peg.
246
00:13:12,724 --> 00:13:15,193
Well, I promised not to do
a room in this house.
247
00:13:15,194 --> 00:13:17,161
A bathroom is not a room.
248
00:13:17,162 --> 00:13:18,629
Yes, it is a room!
249
00:13:18,630 --> 00:13:21,731
It says so in the title:
"bath-room."
250
00:13:21,732 --> 00:13:24,201
From the greek,
bathroqopolis.
251
00:13:26,571 --> 00:13:28,905
A quiet oasis,
away from camels and women.
252
00:13:28,906 --> 00:13:31,208
Now I have to machete my way
through your pantyhose
253
00:13:31,209 --> 00:13:32,777
To use the one upstairs.
254
00:13:32,778 --> 00:13:35,779
Oh. Gee, al, I don't think
you wanna do that.
255
00:13:35,780 --> 00:13:39,851
You see, I did that one sort of
more like a woman's bathroom.
256
00:13:39,852 --> 00:13:41,752
You know,
it has ballerina faucets
257
00:13:41,753 --> 00:13:42,920
And a bidet.
258
00:13:42,921 --> 00:13:45,623
Oh. And a mel gibson
shower nozzle. Heh.
259
00:13:47,192 --> 00:13:49,894
It's shaped just
like his head.
260
00:13:49,895 --> 00:13:50,628
[laughs]
261
00:13:50,629 --> 00:13:53,430
God, I feel so clean.
262
00:13:53,431 --> 00:13:56,067
Gee, I-- I hope
professor lavar likes it.
263
00:13:56,068 --> 00:13:58,169
Him and the entire class
are coming over tonight
264
00:13:58,170 --> 00:13:59,770
To grade me
on what I did.
265
00:13:59,771 --> 00:14:03,074
But, peg, now I have no place
to go to the bathroom.
266
00:14:03,075 --> 00:14:05,376
Oh, stop whining,
you big baby.
267
00:14:05,377 --> 00:14:07,778
Look, why don't you at least
try the new bathroom.
268
00:14:07,779 --> 00:14:09,981
I put a very special
feature on it.
269
00:14:09,982 --> 00:14:11,249
When you flush the toilet,
270
00:14:11,250 --> 00:14:13,184
It plays
"we've only just begun."
271
00:14:14,519 --> 00:14:16,620
Peg, you know that's
our wedding song.
272
00:14:16,621 --> 00:14:20,224
Every time I hear it,
it freezes up my innards solid.
273
00:14:20,225 --> 00:14:22,826
Oh, come on, honey.
274
00:14:22,827 --> 00:14:23,827
Look, just try it.
275
00:14:23,828 --> 00:14:25,262
If you don't like it,
276
00:14:25,263 --> 00:14:26,663
You never have
to do it again.
277
00:14:26,664 --> 00:14:27,931
I've heard that before.
278
00:14:27,932 --> 00:14:30,434
If that was true,
explain bud to me.
Oh.
279
00:14:33,805 --> 00:14:37,140
[heartbeat pounding]
280
00:14:42,647 --> 00:14:44,948
[heartbeat intensifies]
281
00:14:59,097 --> 00:15:01,732
[♪]
282
00:15:10,342 --> 00:15:13,344
Al:
No! No! Oh!
283
00:15:18,416 --> 00:15:21,886
Peg? I tried it,
I don't like it.
284
00:15:21,887 --> 00:15:23,721
Change it back.
No.
285
00:15:23,722 --> 00:15:27,992
Peg, a bathroom should be
cold, white, soothing.
286
00:15:27,993 --> 00:15:29,560
It should say,
287
00:15:29,561 --> 00:15:31,929
"step up to the bowl, pardner,
and make it a double."
288
00:15:35,734 --> 00:15:38,669
But, peg,
my toilet's not a man.
289
00:15:38,670 --> 00:15:41,706
My ferguson
has become...Fergie.
290
00:15:42,640 --> 00:15:43,874
Change it back, peg.
291
00:15:43,875 --> 00:15:45,109
No.
292
00:15:45,110 --> 00:15:47,144
I see we have--
what we have here.
293
00:15:47,145 --> 00:15:49,246
We have a battle of wills.
Well, that's fine.
294
00:15:49,247 --> 00:15:51,215
'cause I will not bend,
I will not break.
295
00:15:51,216 --> 00:15:53,217
I will not sit,
I will not make.
296
00:15:54,986 --> 00:15:56,387
Was that john keats?
297
00:15:56,388 --> 00:15:57,388
That was bundy.
298
00:15:58,223 --> 00:15:59,924
Al bundy,
299
00:15:59,925 --> 00:16:01,224
Man.
300
00:16:01,225 --> 00:16:02,593
And I'm telling you, peg,
301
00:16:02,594 --> 00:16:04,227
If you don't change
my toilet back,
302
00:16:04,228 --> 00:16:06,263
There are plenty
of single women out there
303
00:16:06,264 --> 00:16:09,566
That have just the kind
of bowls I'm looking for.
304
00:16:09,567 --> 00:16:11,769
So test me, peg,
305
00:16:11,770 --> 00:16:14,872
And you'll see me sitting
in a bathroom
306
00:16:14,873 --> 00:16:16,306
In a penthouse apartment
307
00:16:16,307 --> 00:16:19,543
With a blond with a match
waiting outside the door.
308
00:16:29,788 --> 00:16:31,855
Mother-in-law
visiting again?
309
00:16:31,856 --> 00:16:33,690
Yeah. How about you?
310
00:16:33,691 --> 00:16:35,259
My daughter's home
from college.
311
00:16:35,260 --> 00:16:36,426
Ah, that's rough.
[sighs]
312
00:16:37,362 --> 00:16:38,996
Hey, new guy.
313
00:16:38,997 --> 00:16:40,965
What are you in for?
314
00:16:40,966 --> 00:16:42,800
Wife made the bathroom pink.
315
00:16:42,801 --> 00:16:44,568
Ho!
Whoo!
316
00:16:56,715 --> 00:16:58,415
Thanks, guys.
317
00:16:58,416 --> 00:16:59,617
What's it like in there?
318
00:16:59,618 --> 00:17:01,618
White, cool,
319
00:17:01,619 --> 00:17:02,886
Graffiti disparaging women,
320
00:17:02,887 --> 00:17:04,855
And a couple of boasts
from guys about how long
321
00:17:04,856 --> 00:17:06,924
It would take them
to get connie chung pregnant.
322
00:17:11,262 --> 00:17:13,697
Hey, you in there.
What'd you do, fall in?
323
00:17:13,698 --> 00:17:16,066
[all laughing]
324
00:17:16,067 --> 00:17:17,568
Hey, the new guy's funny.
325
00:17:17,569 --> 00:17:19,202
[both laughing]
326
00:17:19,203 --> 00:17:21,605
[toilet flushes]
327
00:17:33,785 --> 00:17:35,686
Hey, ya bum.
Ah!
328
00:17:37,388 --> 00:17:38,889
What do we do now?
329
00:17:38,890 --> 00:17:40,190
Well, if you don't mind
the drive,
330
00:17:40,191 --> 00:17:42,359
Nothing beats barney's,
on the wisconsin border.
331
00:17:42,360 --> 00:17:45,161
They don't even have gas pumps
anymore, just acres of toilets.
332
00:17:46,631 --> 00:17:47,731
Well, wait a minute, guys.
333
00:17:47,732 --> 00:17:49,433
I know I'm the new guy here,
334
00:17:49,434 --> 00:17:52,202
And it's not my place
to speak up, but...
335
00:17:52,203 --> 00:17:53,870
What're we doing?
336
00:17:53,871 --> 00:17:55,205
We're men.
337
00:17:55,206 --> 00:17:57,474
We were put
on this planet to--
338
00:17:57,475 --> 00:17:59,743
Well, I don't know what we were
put on this planet to do,
339
00:17:59,744 --> 00:18:01,211
But we're here, damn it.
340
00:18:01,212 --> 00:18:02,646
And we're americans.
341
00:18:02,647 --> 00:18:03,980
And we have a right to use
342
00:18:03,981 --> 00:18:06,416
The best toilet system
in the free world.
343
00:18:06,417 --> 00:18:09,052
Are we to use a gas station
bathroom like some--
344
00:18:09,053 --> 00:18:10,654
Some common russki?
345
00:18:12,257 --> 00:18:13,824
We're being driven
from our homes,
346
00:18:13,825 --> 00:18:15,058
Room by room,
347
00:18:15,059 --> 00:18:18,862
Running like a frenchman
from a cap gun.
348
00:18:18,863 --> 00:18:20,864
And from whom?
349
00:18:20,865 --> 00:18:23,133
From our women.
350
00:18:23,134 --> 00:18:24,768
They've taken over
our closets,
351
00:18:24,769 --> 00:18:27,504
Driven us out of our bedrooms
by their very nakedness.
352
00:18:28,540 --> 00:18:30,341
Now, you guys can take it,
353
00:18:30,342 --> 00:18:33,877
But not this yankee
doody dandy.
354
00:18:33,878 --> 00:18:37,748
Tonight, I'm reclaiming
my toilet bowl.
355
00:18:37,749 --> 00:18:40,451
All right!
Yeah!
356
00:18:47,225 --> 00:18:48,792
So, what do we do now?
357
00:18:48,793 --> 00:18:51,595
Well, how bad could it be?
358
00:18:51,596 --> 00:18:53,463
I'm going in.
359
00:18:59,905 --> 00:19:03,173
Gee, I've been needing
something for church. Heh.
360
00:19:10,281 --> 00:19:11,281
Hi, honey.
361
00:19:11,282 --> 00:19:12,583
What are you doing home?
362
00:19:12,584 --> 00:19:14,250
I thought you were
out on the town,
363
00:19:14,251 --> 00:19:15,886
Marking your territory.
364
00:19:17,389 --> 00:19:20,323
Woman, I have come to take back
what is rightfully mine.
365
00:19:20,324 --> 00:19:21,959
My bathroom.
366
00:19:21,960 --> 00:19:23,060
[doorbell rings]
367
00:19:23,061 --> 00:19:24,728
Oh, not now, al.
368
00:19:24,729 --> 00:19:26,263
I'm really nervous.
369
00:19:26,264 --> 00:19:28,632
This is the first thing
I've done that I'm proud of
370
00:19:28,633 --> 00:19:31,802
Since I got 'em to up
your mastercard limit to $100.
371
00:19:32,971 --> 00:19:36,206
Hello, mrs. Bundy.
Hello.
372
00:19:36,207 --> 00:19:37,440
Hi.
373
00:19:39,110 --> 00:19:41,011
Class...
374
00:19:41,012 --> 00:19:45,282
How many decorating
don'ts do we see?
375
00:19:52,624 --> 00:19:53,991
Oh, don't mind him.
376
00:19:53,992 --> 00:19:56,760
He's just choppin' wood
for his dinner.
377
00:19:56,761 --> 00:19:59,296
Come upstairs
and see my bathroom.
378
00:19:59,297 --> 00:20:02,099
Change it, peg,
or suffer the consequences.
379
00:20:02,100 --> 00:20:04,001
Oh, what's the worst thing
that could happen?
380
00:20:04,002 --> 00:20:05,002
Ya marry me?
381
00:20:05,003 --> 00:20:06,302
[laughs]
382
00:20:10,975 --> 00:20:12,509
Then I have no choice.
383
00:20:12,510 --> 00:20:15,212
[george thorogood's
"bad to the bone" playing]
384
00:20:30,828 --> 00:20:33,597
♪ now, on the day
I was born ♪
385
00:20:33,598 --> 00:20:35,932
♪ the nurses
all gathered round ♪
386
00:20:35,933 --> 00:20:38,302
♪ they gazed
in wide wonder ♪
387
00:20:38,303 --> 00:20:40,770
♪ at the joy
they had found ♪
388
00:20:40,771 --> 00:20:42,606
♪ the head nurse spoke up ♪
389
00:20:42,607 --> 00:20:45,509
♪ said leave this one alone ♪
390
00:20:45,510 --> 00:20:47,877
♪ she could tell right away ♪
391
00:20:47,878 --> 00:20:50,380
♪ that I was bad
to the bone ♪
392
00:20:50,381 --> 00:20:52,782
♪ bad to the bone ♪
393
00:20:52,783 --> 00:20:55,119
♪ bad to the bone ♪
394
00:20:55,120 --> 00:20:57,621
♪ b-b-b-b-bad ♪
395
00:20:57,622 --> 00:21:00,056
♪ b-b-b-b-bad ♪
396
00:21:00,057 --> 00:21:02,559
♪ b-b-b-b-bad ♪
397
00:21:02,560 --> 00:21:04,961
♪ bad to the bone ♪
398
00:21:04,962 --> 00:21:07,531
♪ I broke a thousand hearts ♪
399
00:21:07,532 --> 00:21:09,733
♪ before I met you ♪
400
00:21:09,734 --> 00:21:12,202
♪ I'll break
a thousand more, baby ♪
401
00:21:12,203 --> 00:21:14,638
♪ before I am through ♪
402
00:21:14,639 --> 00:21:16,940
♪ I wanna be yours
pretty baby ♪
403
00:21:16,941 --> 00:21:19,343
♪ yours and yours alone ♪
404
00:21:19,344 --> 00:21:21,811
♪ I'm here to tell ya, honey ♪
405
00:21:21,812 --> 00:21:24,348
♪ that I'm bad to the bone ♪
406
00:21:24,349 --> 00:21:26,650
♪ bad to the bone ♪
407
00:21:26,651 --> 00:21:29,019
♪ b-b-b-b-bad ♪
408
00:21:29,020 --> 00:21:31,522
♪ b-b-b-b-bad ♪
409
00:21:31,523 --> 00:21:33,390
♪ b-b-b-b-bad ♪
410
00:21:33,958 --> 00:21:35,859
♪ bad to the bone ♪
411
00:22:08,125 --> 00:22:10,660
♪ bad to the bone ♪
412
00:22:10,661 --> 00:22:13,029
♪ b-b-b-b-bad ♪
413
00:22:13,030 --> 00:22:15,365
♪ b-b-b-b-bad ♪
414
00:22:15,366 --> 00:22:17,501
♪ whew!
I'm bad to the bone ♪
415
00:22:24,976 --> 00:22:27,043
[♪]